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#Have you seen my puss?http://www.metacafe.com/watch/437409 |
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November 04 DoctorA man tells his doctor about a recurring dream,
where two beautiful girls keep trying to get into bed with him.
In the dream he pushes them away!
The doctor askes "what would you like me to do?"
The man replies "break both my arms" August 16 Talking about Swine flu drug 'can harm children'-Title1,-Title1
Quote Swine flu drug 'can harm children'-Title1,-Title1 July 11 All UK mobiles will be on a directory which will mean that anyone can get hold of your mobile phone number!Maybe you’ve not heard about this but early next week all UK mobiles will be on a directory which will mean that anyone will be able to access the numbers (118800). It is easy to unsubscribe but it must be done before the beginning of next week to make sure that you are ex directory. The way the system works is 118800 send you a text from someone who is trying to contact you with their details. It is then up to you whether to contact them or not. You may want to suggest it to all your friends and family who have UK mobiles or they could be swamped by unsolicited messages. Removal is recommended by the BBC - see link below. <http://www.118800.co.uk/>
&nb sp; Click on HOMEPAGE at the bottom of the screen then EXDIRECTORY at the top of the following screen then follow the on screen instructions. You can remove your number from this list, and tell all your friends - especially those with children who have mobile phones. <http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/working_lunch/8091621.stm> The Directory of Mobile Phone numbers goes live next week. To remove your number use the link below (you need your mobile phone with you to do this, they text you a code) March 19 Euro EnglishRead very very slowly and carefully...
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'. In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. in the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining
'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pas on to oza pepl. January 18 Teenage flasher on Friday 16th JanMy elderly neighbour in her eighties, was on her way home on Friday lunch time. She was on her mobility scooter. She was down the Hanworth Road at the time. When she saw up ahead 4 white teenage boys on their break from the training centre, attached to our local college. As they got nearer to her they were larking around and spread across the pavement, so that so would not be able to get passed them. They were laughing and as she got nearer to them, one of them waved his tackle at her, the others asked her if she wants some of this? She was very shocked at what was happening and there was nobody else around. So she turned up her mobility scooter up to full speed, and charged straight at them. They shoot out of the way.
She rang me up to let me know about her ordeal. I told her that she should report it to the police. I said would you be able to recognize them again?
She said yes, one of them. I asked her what the description was,
she said white about 3 inches long!!!!!!!!!
I think she just wants to see them in a line up!!!!!!!!!!!!! January 16 please read VERY DANGEROUS DOG TOY!!!!PLEASE READ AND FORWARD TO ALL DOG LOVERS!
VERY DANGEROUS DOG TOY!!!! Snopes verification: http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/pimpleball.asp . __,_._,___
Jane Campbell December 16 A Different Christmas PoemThe embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, My daughter beside me, angelic in rest. Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white, Transforming the yard to a winter delight. The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep, Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep. In perfect contentment, or so it would seem, So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream. The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.. Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear, And I crept to the door just to see who was near. Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight. A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old, Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold. Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled, Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child. "What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here! Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve, You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!" For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift, Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts... To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right, I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.." "It's my duty to stand at the front of the line, That separates you from the darkest of times. No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me. My Grandad died at ' Anem on a day in December," Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gran always remembers." My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Japan ', And now it is my turn and so, here I am. I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile. Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag, I saw red, white, and blue crosses... an English flag. I can live through the cold and the being alone, Away from my family, my house and my home. I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat. I can carry the weight of killing another, Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.. Who stand at the front against any and all, To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.." " So go back inside," he said, "harbour no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right." "But isn't there something I can do, at the least, "Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast? It seems all too little for all that you've done, For being away from your wife and your son." Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget. To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone, To stand your own watch, no matter how long. For when we come home, either standing or dead, To know you remember we fought and we bled. Is payment enough, and with that we will trust, That we mattered to you as you mattered to us." PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many
people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Jeff Giles, Naval Regiment Iraq December 04 A cow's tail!A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?' 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.' 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'' 'I don't remember much after that' November 20 words difficult to say when drunk!THINGS THAT ARE _DIFFICULT_ TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE *_VERY DIFFICULT_**_ _*TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE */_DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE_/** *TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. I must stop now, as I have to work in the morning. November 16 Don't fart in bedThis is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't. stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey you were right." "all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened." But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in." November 09 VodkaTo remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mould and mildew. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting... Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain the liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture, to aches and pains. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. Dopey me I have been drinking the stuff. Italian menA bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animatedconversation.The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention isgalvanized when she hears one of them say the following:'Emma come first.Den I come.Den two asses come together.I come once-a-more! .Two asses, they come together again.I come again and pee twice.Then I come one lasta time.'The lady is fuming and can't take it any more!!'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorts indignantly. 'Inthis country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.' 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi' $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!November 08 Talking about Have you seen my puss?November 05 A typical messenger or msn conversation - Do you know how at risk you or your children are?After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213: Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird! GoTo123: LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood? ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out. GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you? ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know. GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today? ByAngel213: Yes and we won!! GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play? ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL GoTo123: What is your team called? ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool. GoTo1 23: Did you pitch? ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me Bye! GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye Meanwhile.......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far. Her name: Shannon Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985 Age: 13 State where she lived: North Carolina Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now. Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective. By Thu rsday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach.. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her. Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car. Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room. Shannon, come here,' her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa. 'Sit down,' her father began, 'this man has just told us a most interesting story about you.' Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today! 'Do you know who I am, Shannon ?' the man asked. 'No,' Shannon answered. 'I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.' Shannon was stunned. 'That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !' The man smiled. 'I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze.' Shannon was stunned. 'You mean you don't live in Michigan ?' He laughed. 'No, I live in Raleigh It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?' She nodded. 'I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line.. Before you know it, you have tol d them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?' 'It's a promise!' That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation *****NOW**** EVEN FORWARD THIS TO PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO FRIENDS THAT DO HAVE CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN October 26 sending e-mailsI hope that you are all keeping well? You know that when you send your emails, if you put all your senders in the Bcc (Blind carbon copy), all of the people that you send mail to, will not be able to see everyone else's email addresses. This will Help to stop the spammers! You do not even have to put and address in the To address bar. When you are fowarding an email that you have received, remove the senders e-mail addresses from the message to. To do this left click and hold the click, drag over the top of the addresses, until they go blue. Let go of the click and click the enter or delete key. Try it for yourself. Send this onto your friends and also put your email address in the Bcc as well. When you receive the e-mail back, can you see the other people that you sent the e-mail to? I use this all the time. It sounds confusing, but once you have done it a few times, you will use it all of the time. Take care http://www.metacafe.com/w/437409 October 21 New BootsAn elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bertstormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked
except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat' August 28 The spoonA lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' August 27 The Great British Duck race on 31/08/08THE GREAT BRITISH DUCK RACE
There are 30 top prizes,
and first prize is a whopping £10,000.
(your £2 includes a donation to our 3 lead charities,
additional donations can be made to support your chosen charity).
Check out the site below, all the details are on there.
The ducks will be loaded into Molesey Lock,
near Hampton Court Bridge at 12.30pm.
At 1.30pm the ducks will be released into the 1km race channel.
The finish line is at the Sherriff Boat Club at Albany Reach.
We expect the ducks to take between
2-3 hours to pass the finish line.
http://www.thegreatbritishduckrace.co.uk/
Pictures from 2007 duck race
http://www.thegreatbritishduckrace.co.uk/gallery_images.php?id=29
Good luck August 17 TroubleAfter retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... ******** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... ******** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... . ******** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... July 29 He was just a head!A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, 'He should've quit while he was a head!
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